be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
