Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
