lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
