omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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