my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
