I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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