Pants 0. Shit 1.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
