theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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