A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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