I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
