I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
