On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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