I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
