He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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