My friends, they love my intelligence
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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