Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
