There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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