Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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