I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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