i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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