i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
