I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
