I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
