i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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