anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
