Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
