I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Randomize
