it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
