I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
