please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Two words: nipple clamps
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