I could have mohawked her pubes.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
