I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
