im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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