everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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