I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
