I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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