Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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