@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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