Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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