at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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