Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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