dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
