thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize