Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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