I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
