I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think I won the penis lottery.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
