I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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