I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
