Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
