he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
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I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
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While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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