I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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