Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
