What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
