Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Hippo gnu deer
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
