in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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