I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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