So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
