Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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