Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
